Hey, yeah, my boyfriend's back!

Matt returned to Tokyo yesterday, after visiting his folks in Adelaide and making an impression at Roh and Rhian's wedding at Penny's Hill in McLaren Vale.

He returned bearing a ton of photos and hazy recollections of getting thoroughly plastered and flirting with the bridesmaids. I guess if you've got to disgrace yourself, it's best to disgrace yourself in style.

Take a peek at Matt and Kim's very self-indulgent holiday album, including the weddings of Roz and Kim and Roh and Rhian...

Which member of SMAP are you?

Well, Andrew and Kathleen, once of Melbourne, now of Yokohama, have discovered the quiz I have been having wet dreams about - "Which member of SMAP are you?". Now if you don't know, or care, who SMAP is, then this aint gonna light your wick. If you do, it's SMAPHeaven...

I admit slight trepidation when I did this quiz, fearing a Kimura Takuya result, but with a sigh of relief and echoes of "hallelujah" I came out as that cheeky monkey Shingo (aka "Shingo-Mama"). Sigh.... if only I had his arse and his taste in women's cosmetics...

The Inevitable Australia vs. Japan blog

I always get a little melancholy just before I leave Australia to return to Japan. Although I love Japan and am not quite ready to book my final one-way ticket, there are some things about Australia (particularly Melbourne) that are addictive;

1. Australia has a distinctive smell. No, I'm not talking about the pungent aroma of stale-piss that coats Flinders Street Station, but the earthy smell of gum trees, roasting coffee and the hint of pre-winter woodsmoke in the air. Whatever it is, nowhere else smells like it.

2. Nowhere in the world (and I will go out on a limb here) can you eat as well as you can in Melbourne - the variety and quality of food is top shelf. If you have a craving for a Nepalese curry, an Argentinian steak (and don't we crave beef in Japan), or a Turkmenistani... thingy, you can get it. And cheap. Goddamit, you can even buy natto here, not that you'd want to.

3. The Melbourne Brunch Culture. God I miss those lazy weekend breakfasts at the Fitz cafe which turn into drunken lunches, which turn into a 4pm stumble home. Tokyo just aint a brunching city.

4. You can go rowing in a canoe along the Yarra (in the middle of the city), take a bottle of wine and drift for hours along the eucalyptus lined banks for $22. You can hire a canoe in Tokyo, but; 1) the "river" is butt-ugly with smashing views of concrete, construction cranes and experimental "modern" architecture. (The exception, of course, being cherry blossom season when these eyesores are covered with pink and white fluffy things; 2) you would have to queue for about a week and fork out a months rent for an hour of rowing; and 3) they?fd probably confiscate your bottle of wine, insisting its "too dangerous" to have onboard. I had been so brainwashed by the rule-ridden society of Japan that I felt naughty popping my (wine bottle's) cork in our boat on the Yarra and felt compelled to hide the wine whenever another boat came past (ironically full of drunken revellers). Thankfully, after a couple of glasses of Riesling I ceased to give a shit.

5. I can buy clothes in Australia that fit me.

Having said all that, it is good to be "home" (the one north of the equator), although the apaato is mighty lonely without Matt, who is probably getting debaucherously drunk and playing pool with the lads in a dirty sleazy pub somewhere, the lucky bastard.

I did start to wonder, however, whether I would actually get back to Tokyo given my bad luck with airplanes this past week...

Firstly, on my Brisbane to Melbourne flight, my humble 737 accelerated down the runway, only to brake suddenly just as the plane was about to become airborne. 45 minutes and a few pilot announcements later, it was announced that the plane, was, in fact, f!@#$ed, and we wouldn't be flying in it. Not least because the pilot had seriously shat the brakes when he aborted take-off. After 30 more minutes, the tractor came to tow us back to the terminal where we were ferried onto other flights. Luckily, after swilling a glass of trusty chardy I was ready to get onto another airplane...

Yesterday, my 767 to Tokyo didn't even make it to the runway before a nasty crunch was heard from "down below" (and don't we all hate it when that happens?). Turns out the tractor which tows the plane to the tarmac, went hell for leather out of the gates and took the plane's towbar with it. Now, a missing towbar is hardly a major issue, but it's probably a good thing I won't be flying for awhile...

Culture Shock

Last Thursday I made the ten hour journey back to Australia for a two week visit. I've been here four days and let me tell you, it's f!@#$ing weird being back:

1. When I arrived at Melbourne airport, I went straight to the Japanese passport holders queue at Immigration. For a moment, I forgot I wasn't Japanese. It also took me a good couple of days to stop bowing my head at everyone. I only stopped because people kept looking at me like I had Tourette's.

2. I attended Roz and Kim's very beautiful wedding on Friday at Saint Mary's Star of the Sea in West Melbourne and later at the Savoy. As Roz and Kim made their exodus down the church aisle, the guests merrily snapping their way through rolls of film, a sudden queue of guests started gawking, not at the newly wedded couple, but at my little pink Sony Cybershot camera, with cries of "Oh, it's so small!" and "Get Kinki to take a picture with her mobile phone!" (it aint a mobile phone, people).

[Even my 18 month old nephew is infatuated with the damn thing - every time I turn it on, he strikes a pose then leaps for it in cross-eyed frenzy. God I love that kid...]

3. We went to the Melbourne Comedy Festival last night to see a so-called satire of Melbourne community and commercial radio and I understood about 2 jokes. Those 2 jokes were very funny. But everything else went right over my head. I have only been away from Australia for 18 months. Perhaps I'm really just very thick.

4. It struck me that Melbourne seems really dirty in comparison to Tokyo. In Tokyo you may be sharing breath with a thousand other commuters on the same carriage, but the trains themselves are immaculate. I took the infamous West Maribyrnong tram into Melbourne's CBD yesterday and about a quarter of the seats had some kind of knife slash; one seat was entirely ripped out. There was graffiti everywhere and weird hippy people were leering and smoking the place out with the smell of old sweat and dope. Japan has made me into one of those annoying, critical people who wrinkles their nose in disgust at the slightest aroma of feral.

5. But, oh, all the space. I stood in the lounge room of Matt and Penne's place in Carlton, which is the approximate size of our entire apartment, and just stood there. And stood there. For about five minutes, marvelling at the way my hands touched air as I twirled around. It was delightful. And when they took me across the road for a Caffe Latte that could melt your nostrils I could have married both of them. Our nearest cafe in Tokyo is a decent 10 minute walk away, and to date, no-one has done coffee in Japan that could rival a Carlton Cafe Latte.

Only four more days before Matt flies to Melbourne, where I'll join him next weekend (yay!). Good to see he's flying the 35 degrees banner while I'm away... Otsukare Matt-san!

Down Wiz Za Ringo

Being an English teacher it is actually reasonably difficult to find opportunities to practice your Japanese. Company policy is for lessons to be conducted entirely in English, and even when you socialize with your students after an evening business class, you still feel compelled to use English with them at the izakaya, because you're still "the teacher".

So the best opportunity I have for speaking Nihongo is at Saturday afternoon basketball practice. For 2 hours the court is open to the public to shoot hoops, and I am usually the only gaijin there.

Japanese is relatively unique in that the more you learn, the more you realize that you have been speaking way too politely the whole time. To sound really fluent requires mastery of rough or informal grammar structures. The on-court Japanese is an interesting mix of American basketball phrases and informal Japanese sayings, interesting enough that I thought I should compile a list of "essential basketball Japanese", or baske no nihongo.

First there are the obvious words, katakana versions of things you would hear on an English-speaking basketball court:

Naisu shoo! (Nice shot!)
Naisu pass! (Nice pass!)
Goodo shotto! (Good shot!)
Ehh-ahh bo-ru! (Air ball!)
Good-doh job-bu! (Good job!)

But then there are some other phrases that can be thrown around if you really want to sound like a pro...

Yada! (That's no good!) - used when you are forced to match up against someone who is much taller than you, or if you just can't seem to hit any of your shots. Ikenai! is also a common way to express disgust at a situation.

Chikusho! (Ah crap!) - pretty much used in the same circumstances as one would use the likes of "Bloody hell!", "Bugger!" or some other expletive. Kuso! is a similar one that literally means "Shit!"

Oishikatta! (That was delicious!) - used when you have successfully pulled off a tricky move, such as a behind-the-back reverse layup or "swished" a three-pointer without it touching the sides of the ring.

Mazukatta! (literally, that tasted terrible!) - used in the opposite situation, when you have made a mistake. For example, missing an easy lay-up, or taking an ambitious three-pointer and missed the ring entirely.

Onegai shimasu (If you could be so kind...) - this phrase is used 50 times a day by Japanese, in all manner of situations when you are asking a favour at work, in a shop or at home. At basketball practice, it is used between team mates about to embark on a trip down the court (you change team mates every time because there are so many people, so it is like saying "Let's go!" to your new team mates).

Gambare! (Try your best!) - the Japanese equivalent of "good luck!" Another variant is Ganbaro! (Let's do our best!), used between team mates.

Zan nen! (Too bad!) - used to comfort someone who has just missed an important shot. Can also be used sarcastically, for example if your opponent just missed a shot.

Otsukare! (You've worked hard!) - this is an abbreviated version of the oft-heard otsukare-sama-desu, used between work mates or at the end of the day. Needless to say, basketball buddies are a lot less formal with each other, hence the shortening of the phrase at the end of practice.

Saikoh! (The best!) - this can be interpreted as cheeky bragging (I'm the best!) or as a compliment (You're the best!) with the subject being assumed from the context.

Sugeh! (Amazing!) - This is a gutter-version of the adjective sugoi, a word that is in close competition with kawaii! as being the most frequently uttered phrase in Japan*. You can use it to show how impressed you were with a move someone has pulled, or simply to express surprise at how many people have showed up today.

*Statement based on personal observation and not on any actual facts or, god forbid, any research.

Yoku yatta ne! (We did well, didn't we) - Also suitable as a compliment: You did well, didn't you?

Chanto yareh yo! (Do it properly!) - If your team mate is mucking about, trying to make their shots look more like an impression of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's hook shot instead of actually getting the ball in the hoop, this will pull them into line. Another variation is Motto yareh! (Try harder!)

Saboru na! (You slacker!) - Another example of basketballers having tougher skin than most, saboru is the same word used when talking about skipping school. If someone is not pulling their weight, this phrase will let them know that it's time they pulled their finger out.

Gaman shiroh! (Put up with it!) - If someone complains about a sore ankle, or their team members, or whinges about anything then this will pull them into line. Literally, "Have some patience!"

And my favourite:

Majide? (You're shittin' me!) - Also usable off the court, majide is one of those words that rides the fine line between being rude and funny; officially it is swearing, but everyone uses it. If used loudly it can be similar to someone crying "Get the f*ck OUTTA here!" with a big grin. It is also flexible enough to be used both as a question and an answer. For example:

A: Majide? (F*ckin really?)
B: Majide. (Shit yeah!)

Sayonara Sakura!

Anyone who tells you that a cemetery is not a funky place to see cherry blossoms has never been to a cemetery to see cherry blossoms...

Aoyama Cemetery is by far the most glorious place we have "viewed" the sakura this year. Uncrowded (save for a gaggle of ageing salary men getting not-so-quietly sloshed next to the gravestones), atmospheric and top shelf blossoms.

Lots of Japanese are vociferously superstitious about hitting the graveyards for festive pursuits, but even the old caretaker was shaking his head at the party of revellers in a "you crazy kids" kind of way.

Today, the rain has settled in and blown most of the blossoms off the trees, but with the pinky white petals falling from the sky, it kind of looks like its snowing... welcome to Summer!!!

Weather

Good to see that the Japanese meteorologists were, for once, wrong about the weather. Today was as beautiful as yesterday was miserable (good opportunity for more cherry blossom viewing!!!).

Yesterday, the freezing rain stopped any drunken hanami parties, but didn't stop 25 of our heroic friends braving the elements and joining us for our engagement party (at Albert's apartment - thanks champ!). Highlights (or lowlights depending on which way you look at it) were:

! being felt up by one of our (female) friends who was rather taken by my boobs (surprisingly this didn't bother me one bit...)

! seeing 25 people squish into a two room apartment roughly the same size as a western living room.

! a drunken 3am Iraq conflict re-enactment (c/- one Raymond Schiller who took to Nick Pal with an umbrella in the name of "warfare") outside our gaijin-phobic neighbours house. We still haven't heard from the police but can pretty much guarantee dirty looks for the rest of our days...

The top of the list however, was undoubtedly realising what a bunch of fantastic friends we have who came from as far as Chiba and Yokohama to celebrate with us. Drunkenly. You guys rock.

Cherry Blossom Madness!

Yes, I've succumbed to it. The festival has just started and the blossoms are 80% out. Unfortunately, the forecast for the whole weekend (and Japan is annoyingly accurate with its weather forecast) is rain, rain, rain. So I took the opportunity yesterday to get in some photos around the Imperial Palace and Yasakuni Shrine in Central Tokyo before the drizzle and crowds soaked my enthusiasm.

Some days I feel rather Japanese...

Everybody Out!!

With the weather warming up, the pollen making everyone's eyes itchy and the sakura beginning to blossom, I decided I had been spending way too much time in front of the computer, and needed to re-establish some form of exercise routine to get back in shape.

The local gym is still disallowing us from playing actual full court basketball games, we are only allowed to play three-on-three practice games (sigh! I'll explain later) so I figured the best outlet would be to get back into swimming.

Toshima ward's West-Ikebukuro Heated Swimming Pool is a short bike ride from our apartment and a surprisingly new facility; it doesn't attract very big crowds and if you buy a multi-visit card it is only 400 yen per visit.

There is however (as always) a catch. The catch is that you must abide by Japanese pool etiquette.

Basically you can get by at the pool with common sense. The change rooms are fairly standard; they are clean and there is plenty of locker space available at only 10 yen a pop - very reasonable. But here are the provisos:

1. You must take your shoes off before entering the change rooms. A fairly standard requirement in Japan.
2. You are not allowed to use soap in the shower. Ok, I don't really understand this one, but I can get by with a water-only shower to rinse the chlorine off until I get home.
3. You must wear goggles and a swimming cap in the pool at all times. This would seem fairly strict, except the friendly life guards are actually happy to lend you goggles and a cap if you do not have your own (for free). I guess this is a hygiene-related requirement, fair enough.
4. Do your laps in the lap lane, and not in the "free swimming area". I guess this makes sense. I was doing some back and forths in the free area and was requested by the life guard to move into the lap area. I didn't think I was getting in the way of the obaa-chans doing their aqua-walking exercises, but rules are rules.

But here is the clincher.

5. At 10 minutes to the hour, every hour, the whistle sounds and everyone must get out of the pool for 10 minutes.

Huh?

That's right. Apparently it is standard practice in all pools throughout Japan, that they enforce a "rest time". For 10 minutes the patrons sit or stand at the side of the pool. And they wait patiently. Those who are particularly keen do some stretches and psych themselves up for the laps they are about to embark on. But no-one gets in until the all-clear is given.

This baffled me and I had to inquire about the logic behind it. Was it for the safety of those swimaholics who keep on doing their laps and wouldn't stop otherwise?

"Oh, it is in case someone has dropped a contact lens, or if we need to do some cleaning," the life guard told me.

Hmm. I joked about this with a friend of mine at the pub the other night, and he relayed a story about an Aussie mate of his who swims regularly at his local pool.

"Barry doesn't get out", Steve told me. "He keeps on swimming for the whole 10 minutes, despite the pleads and whistle blows of the life guards at the side of the pool. He figures that he's not tired yet, so he doesn't stop."

Atta boy. Nothing like a good ol' Aussie disrespect for authority. We don't win those Olympic gold medals by adhering to "break time"...

West Ikebukuro Heated Swimming Pool - 03-981-6468