%#*@ my *$%# you %#*$%!!!

Japan. The land of bubble gum pop and crooning playboys. Morning Musume, SMAP, Ayumi Hamasaki and... Eminem?

Yes, I am still grappling with the concept that I was first introduced to Marshall Mathers III's side project - D12 - when it came blaring over the loudspeaker at my junior high school during the lunch break:

"So you can suck my d*ck if you don't like, my sh*t
'Cause I was high when I wrote this so suck, my d*ck..."

What?? Did I just hear that correctly? Can he say that? And I mean it was loud. Something about messing you up with a knife, bitch, and leaving you hanging from a curtains? Yikes! I thought that the students' song requests for the lunch time break would be filtered a little more carefully.

Then I realised... I was the only person in the whole school who understood what the lyrics meant. The kids just dig the tunes, sly! The school principal himself was probably humming away while eating his sardine and sesame rice with grey slops on the side. It certainly is a catchy riff.

Word up. Peace.

Geography

For all you geography buffs and for those of you who don't know where the hell Japan is, I've included a maps page. Here you'll find maps. Of Japan. Now, these babies are quite large, jpg-wise, so the page may take a few seconds to load.

Welcome to Japanese Geography 101.

...

...when Japanese women just take things too far...

The good, the bad and the ugly

I have had a spate of incidents on Japan's public transport system recently that provide me with the perfect excuse to tie in a Clint Eastwood movie title into a blog.

The good

I was a good samaritan on the subway the other day. The Yurakucho line is always packed in the morning, so a slight bit of pushing as people alight at the major stations is pretty normal. But on this day I was forcifully hurled out of the train at Ikebukuro, and upon landing on the platform I turned to see what on earth the commotion was about.

Back in the carriage, a high school girl was pleading "Sumimasen, sumimasen" as she grappled with a fat salaryman who I can only describe as a Japanese version of Newman from Seinfeld. She kept reaching for something that Newman was holding, a handbag or... no, definitely a purse. The struggle spilled out onto the platform and attracted a few interested parties to resolve the dispute, including a middle-aged man who tried to act as a mediator to find out what was going on (and funnily enough looked like a Japanese Kramer). I was also curious to see the outcome and stuck around, just in time to see Newman make a break for it...

Kramer cut him off as he tried to dash for the west exit, stupidly still clutching the girl's purse (with the young girl also still holding on desperately). Kramer tried to lock his arm around Newman's, but he broke free again, making a final run for the east exit (in my direction). I was still processing what I was seeing and trying to make sense of it, trying to figure out who was at fault here when he was nearly upon me. I realised that in fact it was pretty obvious that despite his flash suit and gold watch this fat bastard was a pickpocket, and even more amusing was that he was now trying to outrun an entire group of people despite being in far from peak physical condition.

I stepped up to block his getaway, and in one solid thump shouldered his bulk enough for a couple of station police officers to grab him by the arm and drag the pathetic soul away. Observers muttered to each other and returned to their regular commuting routine, and I headed for the escalators. Standing next to Kramer, I struck up a conversation:

"Hmm, how about that, hey?"

Kramer nodded gravely and replied, "I am so ashamed".

Of course he was. He is Japanese too.

The bad

Now I don't want to give you the impression that I am some kind of commuting super-hero, although I could completely understand why some of you would get that idea. No, I am also guilty of making the odd cultural faux pas. In Kyoto, Kim and I boarded a bus and grabbed a seat - at the next stop the bus began to get crowded, so it was lucky we were seated as we had lots of luggage that would have got in the way of other passengers had we been standing.

Lucky, yes. Long-lived, no. A brusk tap on the shoulder came from a middle-aged woman with an angry look on her face. She pointed at a sign on the window next to us that we had missed.

"Shilber sheet! You know? We call Shilber Sheet. For old people! You understand?"

Fuck. We were sitting in a silver seat, reserved for the disabled, pregnant and elderly. After further scrutiny I noticed that there was in fact an old man standing at the front of the bus. Woops. Still, she didn't have to talk to us like we were five years old.

"Yes, we understand," I replied as we bashfully stood up and motioned for the old guy to take a seat. He didn't want it.

A young Japanese couple got on at the next stop and took our seats. We were flabbergasted. I was actually tempted to go and tap the evangelist on the shoulder and say "Oi, look at those two! Get on to it!" but that would have been very immature, albeit remarkably gratifying. I'm sure she would have said the same thing to them though, I'm sure it was absolutely nothing to do with us being foreigners...

The ugly

On the way home from an evening class in Saitama, sitting at the front of the train, I was almost asleep when I heard the train's horn blast loudly several times. I glanced sideways at the other passengers and they looked equally as confused before we all suddeny lurched forward. The brakes screeched for several seconds while the driver persisted with his horn, but whatever was on the track obviously didn't get out of the way, as soon there was an almighty "Bang!" followed by the sound of scattering shrapnel on both sides of the train.

Shit, a jumper, I thought to myself.

Thousands of people annually commit suicide in Tokyo by jumping in front of trains, but they are not reported in the news in case others read about it and get similar ideas. I had read that the family of the jumper has to pay a large sum of money to the rail company to cover costs of cleaning and counselling the cleaners. Apparently different tracks had a different amount. I began to wonder how much the Seibu-Ikebukuro line charged.

"We've hit a bike! We've hit a bike!" I heard the driver report over his radio.

Good god. I felt sick and sent a message to Kim that I would probably be home late. The train came to a stop and the driver and his crew ran back to check on the damage strewed over the tracks. Several minutes later he was back on the radio.

"Just a bike! Just a bike!"

I breathed a sigh of relief, but couldn't work out why on earth there had been a bike on the track with no-one on it. I asked the driver when we got to the end of the line.

"It was a prank" he replied. I glanced down at the front of the train - apart from a small scratch there was little or no sign that there had been any collision. They build these things like tanks. I shook my head and continued my journey home.

Sumo

I take back my comment about having the biggest norks in this country. I would say, gram for gram, that the sumo wrestlers far outweigh me. Thankfully, even with the chanko-nabe dinners I've been indulging in lately, the similarities end there.

Yesterday, we headed to the Kokugikan Arena in Tokyo to check out the first sumo basho (tournament) of the year, where we were treated to some serious sumo action.

The Sumo Wrestlers are big boys. And considering their girth, they are remarkably fast and agile. Of particular note is my favourite "psych out" technique, a high side-kick with mid-air butt-slap (very difficult to emulate at home, I tried it...).

Hands-down favourite sumo hold is the atomic wedgie, where each wrestler grabs hold of their opponent's mawashi (loin-cloth up the buttocks) and hikes it further up their crack to establish aerial propulsion. Considering that sumo traces its origins back to Shinto fertility rites, I'm not sure this is a good thing. Great to watch, though.

Sumo is a winner with people like myself and Matt, who have attention-deficit. Each bout lasts about 5 minutes, of which all of 10 seconds is the actual slap-fest. The rest is psych-out moves, throwing of salt onto the dohyo (the wrestling ring that women are forbidden to enter due to their reported "uncleanliness", but that's another story) to purify it, and malevolent "come on baby, bring it home to papa" stares.

I always thought big boys in loin-cloths slapping each other like malevolent toddlers would be a great afternoon's entertainment. Turns out I was right...

Hmmm

Has Aussie slang finally found its way into the Japanese vernacular or are the Buddhist's taking death just a little too lightly?

And what is this poster advertising anyway?

Karaoke

Karaoke - "more than a hobby, it's a lifestyle".

See, it's not just me...

Definition of irony

You and the man who's name you're gonna take are buying your engagement ring, and when it comes to filling out the coveted Seibu discount card, he gets your birthday wrong (he was only 10 days out, but it also happens to be the birthday of your best friend).

Top 10s

In keeping with the Japanese tradition of endowing their attractions with superlatives and then ranking them from one to whatever.......

..."Top 10 Highlights of our Kansai trip"

1. The snowy night we spent at Rengejou-in, a Buddhist temple on Koya-San. Koya-san has about 50 shukubo, or temple accommodations where you sleep in a traditional tatami room with futons, a kotatsu (heated table), and in Rengejou-in's case, elaborately painted screen doors which had been rescued from previous temples as they burned to the ground.

The rate for the night is 10,000 yen which includes two meals; dinner was "shojin ryori" cuisine (vegetarian extravaganza made with no meat, fish, onions or garlic) served on tatami mats and cushions and breakfast did not include natto, so I was happy.

Shukubo are run by Buddhist monks, and they 'encourage' you to pin your eyes back at 6 am for a prayer ceremony in the prayer hall. Although the room had a heated rug and a radiator, it was still f@#$ing cold, but amazing nonetheless.

2. Kiyomizu-dera, a 1200 year old Buddhist temple perched on the side of a cliff overlooking Kyoto. Leading up to the temple is Sannen-zaka, a steep winding street lined with old wooden buildings and bustling restaurants and shops.

Within the temple grounds is the Jishu-shrine, containing two stones about 18 metres apart. Legend has it that if you close your eyes and successfully walk from one stone to the other, your wish for love will be fulfilled. If you miss it, its all over red rover, you might as well become a monk. Determined to succeed, Matt closed his eyes, and I walked him between the two. Cheating? Absolutely, but it must have worked, because three days later, he asked me to marry him...

3. The ryokan experience at Gion Fukuzumi. On our first night at the ryokan, we took a chanko nabe (the famous sumo-stew) dinner at the ryokan, served in a private tatami room, waited on by kimono clad obasans, and then returned to our room to quaff warm sake. As Matt quoted; "there's nothing quite like having a hot bath, putting on a yukata, and then having dinner served while you've got no pants on..."

4. Geisha-hunting in Gion, most notably in Pontocho and Kiyamachi-dori. We saw two maiko, apprentice geisha, and quite a few wannabe call-girl 'geishas', outfitted in kimono and toting their mobile phones as they disappeared into seedy looking private apartments.

5. Experiencing hatsu-mode (bringing in the new-year) at Yasaka Shrine in Gion, apparently "one of the most famous places in Japan for hatsu-mode" (of course, it couldn't possibly just be a shrine). Being superstitious, we bought a lucky ema arrow, which Matt inauspiciously broke in two, a day later.

6. Walking through Nara-koen, checking out the big bronze Buddha (he's big!), chomping on yatai (open-air stall) kara-age (Japanese for "KFC") and okonomiyaki, then being chomped on by the "national treasures" that masquerade as deer.

7. "Strolling" down Nishiki Market in Kyoto on new years eve, a frenzied strip of open-air stalls, like a cross between the Queen Vic markets and a Dockside rave. I particularly enjoyed being hobbled by an endless procession of feisty obattalions who would sell their granddaughters for the freshest piece of tuna. All part of the experience.

8. Okuno-in and the mausoleum in Koya-San in snow. It was cold. Very cold, and the snow prevented us from adding to our already obscene photo-count, but Okuno-in, where the founder of Buddhism (Kobo Daishi) in Japan is buried, was particularly magical surrounded by the white stuff. The temple houses hundreds of lanterns and a flame which has apparently been burning for 800 years. The monks take it in shifts to keep it going. Not quite sure how it survived WWII, but lets not go there...

9. Chion-in, a Kyoto temple. Particularly cool because you walk on the 'nightingale' floorboards of the shogun era which were designed to sing whenever an invader tried to infiltrate the castle/temple.

10. Nanzen-Ji at dusk. Of particular amusement was Matt "dropping" his mobile phone into the Asian squat toilet at the temple (which apparently happens all the time). Grossed out by the thought of poo-water, he rinsed it under the tap. It then went into 'shudder-mode' and promptly died.

Of course, no trip is ever perfect, so here goes a "Top 3 Not-so-Magical-Moments".

1. Spending an hour on a peak-hour bus to get to Kinkakuji (the Golden Pavillion), only to find it covered in a white tarpaulin. [note for potential travelers - it will be tarped up until March 31st].

2. While we are glad we chose winter to go sightseeing due to the excellent weather and lack of crowds (except for New Years Eve and Day which were out of control), it is also the time that many temples choose to do their renovations. Nothing quite like a pneumatic drill to drive home the serenity...

3. ....the new-year break is also the time that a lot of things shutdown (tourist attractions/restaurants/public transport), so Nijo-castle was closed and buses were few and far between...

"The biggest, best and most amazing trip to Kansai that anyone has ever had!!!

The Japanese love their superlatives. Being a nation that has the tourist-conveyer-belt down to a fine art, they are always careful to point out whether a tourist attraction is either:

1) one of the seven wonders of the world;
2) a world heritage site;
3) a national treasure; or
4) the biggest, oldest or most famous anything in the world that has been deemed vaguely important.

Now, Japan actually has none of the seven wonders of the world, not for want of trying, but hell, don't let that stop them. That said, the Japanese take an enormous amount of pride in their historical buildings, which is why you don't see any "Craig loves Cheryl"'s anywhere. We even had the fortune of staying at a buddhist temple in Koya-San, where our beautifully painted screen doors were of an "unknown age", meaning anywhere from 200-800 years old.

We returned from eight days in Kansai yesterday, up there in the top 5 (as my ANA girls would say) "wondry and heartful" trips I have ever had. We saw a shit-load of world heritage sites and even more big, old and famous things, and are probably the most profoundly tired gaijins in Tokyo. So for now, check out the pictures of Kyoto, Nara and Koya-San... stories to follow...