Q

Q: Why did the chikan cross the road?
A: To escape the foreign female wiping the platform with his face.

"Chikan" is the Japanese word for "pervert". The literal translation of "chikan" is, quaintly, "skirt chaser". The skirt chaser of urban Tokyo legend preys on hapless women (Japanese and foreign alike) in order to get his "rocks" off. This could be as harmless as peering down one?fs top in the (vain) hope of glimpsing titties, or as aggressive as "rutting" against a woman's backside.

Strangely (and thankfully) these incidents rarely escalate into rape, although the Japanese predilection for being shamed probably means that if they did, no-one would hear about it. And although these perverts can strike anywhere, at any time, their preferred locale is a crowded train where the bump and grind of a stuttering subway allows them to administer a decent bump and grind of their own. In Australia, if that many people were crammed into one tiny, moving space and women were being groped, there'd be a minor Armageddon. Punches would be thrown, women would be shrieking in protest, there would be wailing and gnashing of teeth...

Now, it occurred to me the other day, after having a conversation with a former ex-pat who has had quite a few chikan experiences, that I have never been on the receiving end of one and as such, feel, well, kind of left out. It's not that I am begging to come home and discover that those suspicious white spots on my dress are not washing powder, but all the blonde bombshells in this city have tomes of juicy anecdotes about chikan and I have none. Nada. Zip. I want to be the one with heroic tales of stepping back on the chikan's feet with my heels and taking out a toe, or administering a spectacular 180-degree reverse double-twist in the pike position head butt. Instead, I am forced to live vicariously through the chosen ones.

Am I an unattractive target? Is my bum so big that they're worried their rocks will get lost? Or is it the "you f$#@k with me and your rocks are chicken meat" death stare that I've perfected?