A day in the life of a Kamikaze Skiier

To say Matt and I were physically unprepared for three days of skiing in the arctic wilds of Hokkaido, would be an understatement. The most exercise either of us has done in the past three months is lifting a beer mug or singing "Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" with a bunch of Japanese school kids. I was thus expecting a few initial (yet elegant) stacks. I am, after all, able to nail a blue run with all the fervour of Eddie the Eagle and marginally more grace. What I wasn't expecting, however, was to go completely kamikaze on my first day...

0900
Start the day on a sunny note from our hotel, the Niseko Scot, giggling at a pack of Japanese skiiers decked out in matching yellow suits and numbered and named bibs. Have a pre-run boogie to Utada Hikaru's new single being broadcast over the PA for the fourth time that morning. (you can listen to the song here - just be thankful there's only 30 seconds of it...).

0955
Collect a stationary yellow-suited skiier (#180 Suzuki I believe) whom I am sure I've killed, because she doesn't move for about a minute. #180 finally raises a powdered head and croaks "Daijoubu desu ka?" ("Are you OK") I reply in the affirmative before extricating my skis which have somehow become wedged in #180's stocks.

1130
Take the rope-tow up to one of the higher runs (I hate any tow that you have to ski up with; don't even ask my mother about the T-bar incident when I was 10) and as I am about to alight, my stocks (again) get caught in the rope and I plough into the power cord, dislodging it from its socket and causing the entire rope-tow to grind to an ominous halt. On contemplating the situation, I mumble to Matt; "Is that bad?"

1155
Decide if I never hear Utada Hikaru's song again it won't be too soon.

1220
Navigate a steep section of the run before ploughing head long into two metres of powder, miraculously coming to rest half a metre from the base of a tree (the Japanese would could this "good-o timing-u")

1222
Despite the sublime feeling of being cushioned by snow, I attempt to re-establish the preferred vertical stance, to which my arch-nemesis, an old lower back injury, responds by knocking me back to the ground, making me holler sweet bloody jesus. Accept that the horizontal position is, perhaps, best for now.

1230
Demonstrating that logic is not one of my strong points, I insist to Matt (with me lying prostrate in the snow) that there has to be another way to get down the slope than hail a skidoo.

1245
Skidoo arrives.

1248
The emergency siren starts, the skidoo takes off, and in spite of the momentary dent to my pride ("oh look, there's another foreigner who's gotten herself into trouble") decide that the skidoo ride is, in fact, f@#$%ng awesome. I would highly recommend injuring yourself on the slopes just to score a ride in one.

1305
The skidoo makes a deposit at the hotel lobby, then goes back to rescue Matt who has been left to snowboard down the run with my skis and stocks. He tells me this is not easy.

1315+
Spend the rest of the day on my back, clutching my valium and painkillers.

"I'm sorry, have I taken the wrong bus?"

There are a lot of Aussies in Niseko. But if you start to wonder whether you've stepped off the plane in Sapporo and accidentally wandered into Mount Hotham, there are some key ways to tell that you are, in fact, in Japan:

1. The guests are drinking Kirin beer for breakfast before hitting the slopes.

2. Your hotel room sports curtains and quilts with a "Snoopy goes Skiing" motif.

3. The Japanese Tour Groups are wearing identical ski outfits and wearing numbered and named bibs just in case one of them gets "lost".

4. Japanese-pops is being blasted all the way up the mountain and a lot of stacks seem to be the result of mis-timed butt-shimmies. If you didn't know who Utada Hikaru was before you came to Niseko, you sure as hell would once you left.

5. You ski on real snow and not human faecal matter.

6. The rope-tow attendant thanks you ten times for putting back the power plug you've just wrenched out of its socket.