Small Screen Superstar (??!@#$!??)

Wednesday PM
While I was window shopping last Wednesday, I spotted a funky pair of shoes in Seibu, but had no idea of how to justify the expense (now I am affianced, I need to worry about what could be perceived as frivolous purchases). As if on cue, I received a call later that night from an agency I had registered with months ago. I had done a few shows for them as an extra on SMA's Bera Bera Station months back, but got over that pretty quickly, in spite of being able to perve on Katori Shingo at close range.

The agent asked me;

"Are you free tomorrow afternoon? We need beautiful ladies to speak english for Bera Bera Station."

One thing one must remember about Japanese men (and women) is that foreigners are endlessly fascinating to them. You could look like the arse-end of a bus and they would still think you were captivating. They are also astigmatic in the best sense - I was told once that I "was beautiful, just like Nicole Kidman" despite the fact that Nicole is 6 feet tall, size 0 and has bright red hair.

So I let the rhetorical compliment slide and affirmed that yes, I was free that afternoon, and yes, I could speak English.

Thursday PM
Bera Bera Station is the English segment of SMA Station 2, where Katori-kun (of the perennial fave, SMAP) faces off against his guests in translating english snippets from films, TV shows, political speeches etc. into Japanese. Every episode there is an english "Phrase of the Week", usually a colloquial expression, where foreigners are filmed doing role-plays, or dodgy "on-the-street" interviews centred around that phrase.

This was to be my job.

When I arrived at the studio and discovered that in a previous week they had been made to say, "I catched a cold" I thought I might be in trouble. Fortunately, our phrases were fairly innocuous and, more importantly, grammatically correct. Unfortunately, the shoot was outside in the courtyard, it was freezing cold and I was asked to cry on cue;

"Oh sure, no problem", I say nonchalantly ("WHAT?????").

Luckily, the (goddess) agent had some eye whitening drops which made my eyes nice and moist which at least made it look like I was crying. The downside of this was that after four takes of my Meryl Streep, my eyes took on an eerie neon sheen and passersby (and the film crew) were giving me a wide berth.

As it happened, the studio is next to the U.S Embassy, which, predictably, was host to a deluge of anti-war protests on Thursday, and camera crew helicopters were circling the area. Every time the choppers neared the Embassy, we had to stop the shoot because of the noise. In fact, every time a person walked past, either dragging a suitcase, or slurping a coffee, we had to do a re-take.

After 3 hours and a mild case of hypothermia, me and the other "beautiful people" took our money and ran. I didn't care about how I would look on TV, all I saw were those new pair of shoes I could now afford to buy...

SMA Station 2 - Saturday nights (Japan only) on TV Asahi @ 11pm.